How I have ended meal time battles with a picky eater.

I'd like to introduce you to the pickiest child I have ever known.

Does it surprise you to learn that I have a super picky child?  I know that people think that my kids must eat everything, because I post pictures of the wide variety of foods that I serve them. But just because I serve it, doesn't mean they all eat it.  (But that doesn't stop me from serving it.)

Up until a few weeks ago, I could count on one hand the things this child would reliably eat, and maybe on my other hand the things she would *sometimes* eat.  So, a total of maybe 10 food items at any given time.

Before I had kids I was of the opinion that you could just make kids eat something.  I figured you just don't give them an option to not eat it, and they will eat it. 

Growing up I remember spending a lot of time sitting at the table in front of a plate of cooked carrots and peas because I was required to clean my plate before I could be excused. My parents weren't mean about it, but I think we had the rule that you had to have some of everything that was served, and you had to clean your plate. I think they had the idea that if I just would eat it, then I would learn to like it. It didn't work. I still don't like cooked carrots, or peas, or lima beans, or corn mixed into stuff.  And I'm still very picky about the beef that I eat, I have a steak at most maybe once a hear and that is enough for me.  All of the things that they made me eat as a kid - I still don't really like. 

I have learned that pressuring children to eat does not work. 

What I have learned, as mother who takes food and nutrition very seriously, is that making children eat a food they don't want isn't the key to long term success. It just creates a recipe for miserable power struggles at every meal. Threatening or bribing does not work. Creating arbitrary rules does not work. Negotiating does not work.  All of these things create battles that aren't necessary.  You might have short term success and get a child to reluctantly clean their plate, but it's not setting them up for long term healthy eating, and most likely not going to make them like those foods. Studies have shown that over time these battles will cause a negative relationship with food that will last them a lifetime, and can even lead to living on junk food, or possibly even eating disorders.  I do not want that for my children.  

I've tried all the "tricks".

I've learned this from experience.  I have gone the rounds with this child.  I've tried bribing her. I've tried tell her she has to taste it. I've tried telling her she has to eat one bite (what some people call a "no thank you bite"). We tried making a rule that once she turned four she at least had to taste the food (that worked for about a month). I've tried to tell her she has to choose a protein and a veggie. I've tried telling her that she has to choose something green. I've tried hiding foods in sauces or soups or dips.

I know all the tricks and I've tried them all. They might work on some kids (they sometimes work on my other kids), but they don't work on this kid. If she does not want to eat it, she WILL NOT eat it. You will not get any food in her mouth that she does not choose to eat. She will choose to have not even one bite of dinner before she will eat a food that she does not want. This child is STUBBORN.  If there is a power struggle to be had, she will have it. 

So I don't do it any more.  I have stopped fighting with her.

I put the food out, and I let her decide what to eat.  The food is just presented, with no drama and no pressure. 

I put the family meal on the table, and let her choose what of it to eat.  I don't make special or separate meals of 'kid food'. I do my best to make sure that there is some part of the meal that I know she will eat. If I've made something that I am pretty sure she is not going to want, then I also don't mind getting out some cheese or yogurt to add to the meal.  The key is that it is put on the table as part of the meal, and not presented as making a separate or special "kid food" meal. I'm not going to punish her with no dinner just because she doesn't like what I have offered - I don't think that's how you make a child feel good about coming to the dinner table. 

I got rid of the junk, and I no longer worry about snacking. 

I no longer keep anything in the house (or at least within sight and reach of a small child) that I am not comfortable with letting her eat at any time. It's not like we ever had a lot of junk food, but we did have some stuff that I didn't want her choosing all the time.  So it's out of sight. Our snack drawer no longer has packaged granola bars and goldfish. It now contains dried fruits and nuts, my homemade instant oatmeal, seaweed snacks, and a small amount of whole grain cereals and crackers - all things that I am fine with my kids having at any time.  I have a drawer in the fridge that she can reach with single serving packs of cheeses that she can help herself to.  I keep her cup of milk in the door of the fridge where she can reach it. I set out snacks on the table in the afternoons that consist of fresh veggies, fruits, nuts, and cheese, so that all the children can help themselves.

I've given up on the idea of "spoiling your dinner" with a snack.  If the "snack" is healthy food that nourishes her body, then why does it matter if she fills herself up with nuts and cheese at 4:30? Maybe 4:30 is just when her body needs food. Regardless of whether she eats, she still comes to the table with us at family dinner time, and participates in the conversation, and usually at least drinks some milk. But I no longer subscribe to the idea that we need to force our bodies to a meal time that is convenient for somebody else's schedule.  I want my children to learn to eat when they are actually hungry, and stop eating when they are no longer hungry. That doesn't stop us from sitting down to a family dinner every night, but it just means that I am not going to stress about how much anybody eats at that time.  

I provide the food, but I let her choose what and when she is going to eat. 

I let her see what the rest of us are eating and how much we like it.  I let her experience the food through sight and smell, and even touch if she wants to. If she wants to have a tasted of something in a separate little dish so that it doesn't touch the rest of her food, that's fine. I continue to expose her to all of the food so she can learn what a normal healthy meal should look like. I let her be involved in the shopping or cooking if she wants to. I let her help arrange the things on the table. I let her see that her siblings are willing to taste things, and that sometimes they like it and sometimes they don't, and that's OK.  

And then I leave it up to her to decide when she is ready to try something.  I make suggestions, I provide the choices, but she decides whether to eat. 

I do not fight with her about her meal.

That's all.  I make a variety of healthy food available, and I let her decide.  I don't tell her to try one bite.  I don't even ask her if she wants to taste.  I just say "this is the dinner, eat what you want". 

Of course I worried for a while whether she was getting enough nutrition.  I went back and forth about whether I should be trying harder to make her eat more so that she didn't get malnourished.  But I kept being reminded (by her) that making her eat what she didn't just wasn't going to work. I do give her vitamins, the occasional fortified organic cereal, and lots of smoothies, to make sure she is getting the core nutrients she needs while she is taking the time to accept new foods at her own pace. 

And do you know what? It's working!  

Just in the last few weeks, she has started asking to try things.  She has tasted more new foods in the past 2 weeks than in the past 2 years. 

The child that wouldn't eat eggs: Last week asked for the boiled egg off my plate, and ate almost half of it.  Over the weekend she asked for some of the scrambled eggs at breakfast, and ate two servings. 

The child that wouldn't eat meat: The other night she asked for a piece of ham.  Just out of the blue, "can I try some ham?".  And she ate it.  

The child that won't eat anything green:  Monday night with her dinner she chose cucumbers.  Tuesday night she chose to put both lettuce and cabbage in her taco. 

Earlier this week she watched as everybody gushed about how delicious the broth was from the chicken.  So she asked for a taste.  And she liked it, and asked for a bowl of broth.  

I am happy.  She is happy. 

The war is not won, but these little victories are underscoring for me that my approach is the right one for this child.  Meal time is so much easier.  She is smaller than her siblings, but she is healthy and growing along a perfectly acceptable curve. Her color is good. Her energy level is good. She is meeting her developmental milestones and then some.  She is learning and thriving.  So I feel confident that she is getting the nutrients that she needs, while she explores and tries new foods at her own pace. 

I think as parents we spend too much time worrying.  I see so many comments from parents saying they worry that their child won't eat vegetables, or doesn't get enough protein, or that their child is too addicted to the junk food.  Stop doing that.  Just make a wide variety of healthy food available for them to choose from, and then let them choose without worrying that they will make a 'wrong' choice.  Children like to feel control.  So let them have control.

Recognize their differences and don't try to make them fit your expectations.

One of the biggest things I've learned about parenting in these past 7 years is that each child is so unique and different.  Having twins really teaches you this.  Having two children come out of the same womb, with the same treatment, the same diet, the same everything, and seeing how different they can be, really teaches you a strong lesson about how our personalities are formed before we are even born.  

No matter what the situation, there is no single approach that will work for every child.  I have found this to be the case with all of my children at every single major milestone - whether it's sleeping, potty training, separation, weaning from bottle or breast, or giving up their pacifier. Children will achieve each milestone at their own pace, when they are ready.  You can push them to fit your timeline, but it will be a difficult and painful battle for all involved.  Or you can gently guide and show them the way, and let them achieve their milestones on their own unique schedule. Your life will be so much more peaceful, and their success will be so much sweeter.

This couldn't be more true than with their relationship with food and eating. Everything I thought I knew about feeding kids was thrown out the window with this child.  She didn't fit any of the approaches that work with my other kids.  So I had to really step back and reevaluate my approach with her.

And I'm so glad I did.

A peek into my small kitchen - and how I make it all work

I try really hard to keep my small kitchen clean and organized.  It's the space in the house where I spend the most of my time.  I put a ton of thought into the design and layout when we created it, and I am constantly re-arranging as our habits and needs change. For a small space, it works very well for me and for the needs of our big family.  I get comments and questions about the space every time I share a picture that shows some of the kitchen, so I thought you all might enjoy a bit of an overview of my space and a tour of how I use it.

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It is a small galley style kitchen.  Even though it's tight on space, I still am very happy with what we came up with when we remodeled it on a very tight budget over 10 years ago.  If you have an opportunity to do some updating to a small kitchen, there a couple of key factors I recommend keeping in mind:

1. White.  White feels open and bright.  And having everything the same color gives you a sense of continuity and makes the space feel much bigger than it actually is.
2. Lots of light.  One of the most important things to me in the remodel was to put in as much light as we possibly could.  I have 8 recessed can lights in the kitchen (including 1 over the sink on its own switch), and 6 in the dining room.  We how have most of these switched to LED bulbs, so I feel ok with having all these lights on much of the time.  I need bright light for cooking, and I think it also really helps brighten and open up a space. It's one of the biggest comments I get about my kitchen, how wonderfully bright it is. (and also on the electrical topic - if you're re-wiring, take the opportunity to put in LOTS of power outlets).
3. Get rid of the clutter.  I know it seems hard in a smaller space, but covering your counter tops with stuff is just going to make your kitchen seem even smaller.  We put a lot of thought into the space we had and got really creative with adding space wherever we possibly could.  The kitchen looks and feels so much better when everything is in its place - which is off the counter.
4. Look for things that do double-duty, or give the illusion of more space.  Our stove is a standard width, but I chose one that had grates that went all the way across the whole top, because I thought it gave the feel of a bigger space.  And our microwave also doubles as a convection oven, so I have the use of two ovens when I need them.  
5. Get creative about creating space - look up, look down, where can you add storage?  More on how we did that later. 
6. Really think about how you are going to use your space.  Prioritize your storage needs.  Things you use the most often should be kept closest to where you will use them, and then move outward from there, with the items you use the least often being the furthest away from the main work space.  Don't take up valuable space right next to your stove with serving dishes that you use once a year. 

Nothing you see here is expensive.  This is all stock stuff from Home Depot.  The cabinets were stock, the counters are just solid white laminate, the floor is vinyl.  It was what we could afford, and I think it still totally works.  I especially think that if you are going with less expensive materials, then you should not try to fake a fancy look.  Solid laminate looks much better than something that's trying to look like fake marble, and I think that embracing the vinyl floor and going with a simple patter looks so much better than faux wood.

On the counter in the kitchen the only things that live permanently are the coffee pot, the SodaStream, and the paper towel holder.  We could find a place to hang the paper towels, but we use them so much and this is a place where the kids can reach them, and the roll often gets moved around for meals, art projects, mess clean ups, etc.  It drives me nuts to have the compost bucket out here, and I do have room for it under the sink, but I've found that it only reliably gets used if it's sitting right next to where I'm working.  Our city has recently started threatening to fine you if you put compostables in the trash, so I'm really trying to be better about using it, so I've started leaving it out most of the time. 

We don't have room under our sink for a trash can (we have recycling there, trash bags, dish soap, and space for the compost - so I found the narrowest trash can I could possibly find.

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The barstools are from Ikea.

We made some decisions in our planning that left our dining room a little smaller, but made the overall space so much more functional.  There used to be a slightly higher half wall behind the sink.  We took that down to extend an eating bar out and have the whole thing all one height, it makes the counter space feel so much bigger, and I have space for my kids to sit and have a snack or help with cooking (we have a fourth stool that I keep in the garage and bring out if I've got all four kids at the counter).  And we added the cabinets and counter in the dining room.  That was just the back of a brick fireplace.  It technically made the room smaller by about a foot, but it gave us so much more storage.  And because we went from dark brown brick to bright white, I don't think it actually looks smaller at all. 

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I love that it's so open from the dining room to the kitchen. 

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The bookshelves just overhead are one of my favorite features.

Another thing we did which I absolutely love, is added the bookshelves up at the ceiling.  They fit perfectly in the space above our stock cabinets in the dining room.

Over the counter there was a structural beam that was coming down that far anyway, so all we did was have the contractor build the shelves down either side of the beam.  This is where I store all my cookbooks, vases, some big bowls and baskets, and a few small appliances.  It's amazing how something so simple can add so much storage space!

You can also see from these pics that we went with all white appliances and white sink.  I know stainless appliances are all the rage now, but I didn't like how it would chop up the kitchen.  Sticking with my all white theme I think helps my space feel open and bright. 

So that gives you some idea of the thinking that went into the design of our kitchen.  You don't have to spend a fortune to get a nice looking space and make it functional.  My kitchen works really well for me.  Everything I need for daily cooking is well within reach, and we were able to set up the classic work triangle between the fridge, stove and sink.  It's mostly a one person kitchen, it gets pretty cozy if more than one person is working in it.  But the counter space in the dining room allows me to have helpers but keep them out of my work space.

Now for a little tour of how I use some of the space.

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All of our dishes for eating and serving are store in the dining room.  This makes it easy to set the table. And the dishwasher is just over the counter to the left, so it's pretty easy to put them away too. I would love to have more serving pieces, but this is all the space I have.  In the drawers I have paper napkins, trivets and coasters, wine openers and accessories, chopsticks, and some extra silver pieces.

I decided to sacrifice some space recently and convert the lower cabinets to kids space.  This houses all our homework and craft supplies.  It was tricky to relocate some of the kitchen items I had here, but I'm glad I did because it gives my kids so much more opportunity to be creative when they have easy access to their supplies.  It also makes it easy for them to clean up when they are done.  My kids are old enough now that I feel comfortable with them having access to their art supplies for independent projects.  The only thing I don't keep down here is paint. 

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On the wall in the dining room is our family info center - calendars, school notices, chore charts, behavior charts, schedules, special artwork - it all goes here.  I could have cleaned this up for a picture, but this is reality of what it looks like on an average day.

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In the kitchen I keep all the kids cups and water bottles in a bottom drawer that they can reach. Up until very recently I also had plastic plates and bowls here, but we don't use them any more so they were cleaned out.  In the drawers above this I have dish towels, washcloths, and plastic bags & wraps.

We have one tall pantry cabinet in the kitchen.  I used to use this for food but I don't any more.  I actually store very little food in my kitchen.  The top section has some small appliances, cereal, vitamins, kids medications.  The bottom section has pull out shelves which I have turned into drawers by just adding a plastic bin.  The top one has all my plastic storage containers.  The second one has lunch boxes and some of my other lunch packing supplies.  The bottom two have snack foods that the kids can help themselves to - dried fruit, nuts, granola bars, applesauce, etc.  Allowing them to have healthy snacks within reach helps create independence and healthy eating habits. 

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I have two big drawers to the right of the stove.  The bottom one has a variety of things - lunch supplies, measuring cups, a few bowls, and the container of cat food (so the kids can easily feed the cats themselves). 

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The middle drawer has some of my most used and prized possessions - my Vitamix and my Cuisinart - I use these almost every day, so I keep them very handy (but not on the counter!!). I also have some glass bowls here that we use basically every day. 

I have one upper cabinet to the left of the stove that has some cooking supplies - seasonings, oils, vinegars.  The containers at the top have baking supplies, rice, hot cereals.  And this is where we keep the coffee and tea. 

As you can see, there really is no food stored in the kitchen other than the kids snack stuff. This works for us because right around the corner is the door to the garage, and the stairs leading to the basement, and those two places are where most of our storage happens.  In this picture, the door straight ahead is the garage.  Down to the right are the stairs. And to the left goes outside, to the side yard where we keep our trash, recycling, and compost bins.

Also here I will point out one of my other most favorite kitchen items: my sweeper vac.  This thing is the bomb!  For a house full of kids and cats, we absolutely could not live without this.  It is mounted right there on the wall and constantly charging.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I use this thing several times every day. It's the best vacuum I've ever owne.  

Sorry, back to the to tour...

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This closet is just at the bottom of the stairs that go down from the kitchen, very convenient even though it's downstairs.  We created this space when we remodeled the basement. We actually took the closet out of the bedroom that is right behind this, and instead have a wall of Ikea closets for storage in that.  That gave us space for wine and pantry storage.  This is where I store the stuff that I use the least often - a variety of baking pans, some serving things, linens, and extras of Costco sized paper and plastic products. We even have a bunch of bottle water and a box of MREs.

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This is just inside the garage - which is just off the kitchen.  With just an inexpensive Ikea cabinet, and some very industrial Home Depot shelving, we created most of our frequently used storage space.  This is all my pantry food storage.  It might not look like much, but it's more than enough.  I don't buy all that much packaged and processed food (for a family of 7), so this doesn't fill up too fast.  

And just to the right of the pantry are some open shelves where I store my bigger appliances that I use regularly.  This is where my slow cooker, rice cooker and meat slicer live - items I use weekly.  And, as you can see, the ice cream maker, pressure cooker, stand mixer.  I have boxes of jam here, and the plastic bin is where all my empty jam jars go as we use them up.  

All this storage is just steps  from my kitchen, so it's really convenient and works well.  Also just to the left here in the garage are my second fridge and freezer.  Because most of what I cook is from scratch, we always have a fridge and freezer full of fresh ingredients. 

So there you have it.  I hope I've given you a few ideas.  I know it's not as perfect and orderly as some of these magazine grade kitchens - but this is a real, working, family kitchen.  I prepare 3 meals a day, every day, in this kitchen and it functions very well for me.  I sometimes wish I had more storage, but I rarely wish for a bigger kitchen.  That would just be more to clean!

12 Months of Home Organization

Do you make New Year's resolutions?  I generally don't.  Or at least I don't think of them that way.  It seems a little too much like following the herd and setting myself up for failure to specifically label something as a New Year's Resolution.  But I do sometimes have little goals or plans in the back of my head, bad habits I want to correct, or good habits I want to start doing more of.  You know, the usual stuff - drink more water, exercise more, get back to healthier eating after the holiday binges, etc.

So today I thought I'd tell you about one of my little plans for 2015.  I have this bad habit of going on crazy organizing sprees around the house.  I'll let it go and let it go until the entire house is driving me insane and I can no longer put anything away, and then I'll exhaust myself trying to organize and clean it up all at once. Well this coming year I'm going to try not to do that!  My goal is to have one or two major organizing jobs each month, to spread it out and keep our home organized throughout the year.

Click the image to open a word doc version that you can save and customize for yourself. 

I've come up with a plan for organizing throughout the year, assigning myself jobs for each month. This is somewhat customized for our climate and family schedule, so if you click on the image you can get a word doc version that you can go ahead and edit for your needs.  (or click here if you want to just print a pdf of my exact version.)

I grew up in southern California, where the idea of putting summer clothes away for the winter months never even occurred to us, but here in the Pacific Northwest that is something we need to do.  At least in our small house with limited closet and dresser space, we don't have room to keep our summer clothes in the closet all winter, or our winter clothes handy all summer.  But you may not need to do this sort of thing, so you can update some of those steps to suit your needs.  We also do things here like put our patio toys and umbrellas away, empty our fountains, put away bikes.  So it makes sense for us to have certain points of the year where the major organizing task is switching over seasonal items - sports & play gear, clothing, coats & hats, etc.  I've tried to think through other times of the year and what needs to be done - organizing the office and tax papers in February, school supplies in August, kids clothes in September, toys in December - and then the other random things have just been spread out throughout the year during the months that don't have a specific seasonal task.

So join in with me if you like, let me know how your doing, check up and keep me honest to see if I'm holding up my end of the bargain!

Kid Created Table Cover

You might have noticed in a lot of my food posts that we have very colorful artwork on our dining table.  I've had a few people ask me about this, so I thought I would share it with everyone.  

Our dining room is pretty much the center of our house.  Everything happens here.  Our family dinner every night, along with all our other meals and snacks.  Homework and art projects and cooking projects.  Play dough and painting.  Making cards for loved ones.  Sewing up holes in well loved objects.  Work and play, seriousness and fun. It's definitely the heart of the home for our family.  And so what better to decorate our table than something created by the kids?

This is a project that I love for so many reasons.  I love it because I get to look at my kids creative expression every time I sit down to do something.  I love it because they love doing it, and they love looking at it and talking about it.  I love it because it's easy and cheap.  And the bonus feature: with the plastic cover, it's super easy to clean and totally kid meal friendly. 

We change our table cover with the seasons.  It's a good span of time to be ready to do the project again, and every three months the kids have come up with lots of new ideas. 

What you'll need:

• a big roll of white butcher paper.  This is the one I have.  
• some kind of table pad or protective layer (I have this one)
• art supplies (markets, crayons, paint)
• kids
• some kind of clear plastic cover.

I love having a big roll of white butcher paper.  You could probably get less somewhere, but this roll is great for so many things.  Make wrapping paper with paint hand prints.  Or put it down on the floor to trace big outlines of the kids.  Or we draw runways and towns, to play with airplanes and cars.  Or just making a huge drawing on the floor is a great rainy day activity.  So get the big roll. 

I have a really nice cherry wood table (really the only nice piece of furniture in my home). Some day when my kids are old enough to not be destroying it, we'll uncover and enjoy it's beauty.  But for now I like to protect it.  So I have a padded layer under our art paper to protect the table.  

For the plastic cover you can go to your local fabric store and get a length of clear vinyl. It comes in different weights, and I like something a little on the heavy side so it stays in place better.  Measure the length of your table and get enough for at least 6-8 inches to hang off either end.  Or if you are concerned about the chemicals in the plastic, you can get one of these PVC free clear shower curtain liners and trim the edges off.  It won't be as heavy weight as the vinyl, but should still work fine. 

The art supplies are limited only by your imagination and your tolerance for clean up.  My kids love to paint it.  But sometimes I don't want to clean up the paint so we just do markers.  Whatever you use, it will be great!

That's all you need - now you're ready to go!

Start by putting your pad down.  I wrap mine around the edges of the table and I have it taped underneath to stay on.  Then put your paper down over that, also wrapped around the sides and ends and taped underneath, like a package.  

Then let them have at it.  Sometimes I just let the kids go for it, sometimes I join in too.  This time I joined in and added a few little educational touches.

The younger ones are in pre-k and are working on letters and numbers, so they each have the alphabet and a number line and some shapes.  The older ones have number lines and dots for counting, to help with math homework.  One also has a 10-frame, and the other requested that I give her the alphabet too. The number lines have come in very handy lately with our math homework.  

The kids each decorate their spots, and some extra for mom and dad.  I love that you can get so creative with this, or you can use it as an opportunity to help reinforce something you're working on.  When we were learning how to properly set the table I drew a place setting at each spot and let the kids color that, and it really helped them learn where to put everything when they set the table (a job that even a two year old can do!).  Sometimes I have decorated the kids spots and let them decorate mine - it doesn't get much better than sitting down to dinner with children's love notes under your plate.  

Once it's all decorated and dry, put your clear plastic cover over it.  When mine were littler and messed with the tablecloth more I used to also tape the cover to the underside of the table.  But now I just put it on like a tablecloth and it works just fine.  

Now sit down to your family dinner and let the kids tell you all about their creation.  They will be so proud. 

Give it a try - your whole family will love it!